August Picture Post: Gym Bodz

Disgust? Intimidation? Arousal? What would your reaction be? (I know it is hard to believe but there are some who would be disgusted at the sight of a genuine female muscle beast at their gym. Or at least they would claim to be disgusted...)



Reasons why it is probably not a good idea to get competitive or try to impress her by lifting as much or more weight than she is: 1. Risk of serious injury. 2. She is hardly going to be impressed if you can only do half a rep with that weight, is she?



Arousal? Looks to me like Marthe Sundby is plenty aroused by the pump she's got going here. Training is my passion, she says. And she obviously means it.



Intimidation? Looking powerful, feeling powerful. And if you don't get your scrawny self off that machine and into a far corner of the gym tout de suite, Virginia is going to demonstrate how powerful she is by throwing you through the wall. Yikes!!!



Arousal? Muscles bulging in and out of revealing skin tight gym wear. Mouth-watering muscles, mouth-watering curves. Curves where lesser women don't even have bits. Superior women know what their muscle curvy bodies do to you. Aleesha knows. Kashma knows. Margie knows. One look and you're scurrying to the locker room.




Alpha. Gillian won't take that selfie till the last man/woman has been inimidated out of her space, until her ownership of the gym is absolute. Lisa, meanwhile, well, Lisa loves an audience, loves to have all eyes in the gym on her. Lisa loves a reaction, and judging from the position of the guy on the right's hands, she's getting one here.



Be warned. Your fascination for female muscle is limitless, but, as a man, multi-tasking is not your strong point. Attempting any kind of actual lifting while simultaneously checking her muscles out is going to be a fast track to injury and/or humiliation. Do not, under any circumstances, do as this Freitas-fixated fella is doing and attempt to press anything without giving it your full attention. Focus on ONE thing, dude!



Be warned. Tape it down! Seriously, if you know Shannon Peters trains in your gym (or you've found out where Shannon trains and made it your gym despite the fact it's a four-hour round trip) then you only have yourself to blame if everyone can see your mini Mars bar causing a commotion in your gym shorts. What did you think was going to happen? And now you are 'Stiffy Guy' to all at the gym. Including Shannon. Doh!

Enjoy!

The Curse of FMS...?

We are pretty close to sacrificing the first goat we can find here. So far this year, 50% of the wonderful women we have written about as they prepared for the recent Toronto and very recent Omaha pro shows didn't even make it onto the stage.

Is FMS cursed?!

Granted, Anne "Freaky" Freitas had FMS salivating over her beastly pre-contest muscularity (see last Thursday) and Brazil's finest duly went ahead and carried first prize home from Omaha. And, also in our defence, Lisa Giesbrecht (featured on Toronto Bound) had come 5th in Toronto the week before Anne's victory.

However, neither of the other two goddesses we featured, the two who we were most excited about seeing in competition again, competed at all. We'd hate to think appearing on FMS had anything to do with that, but now it's happened twice...

First, Gillian Kovack, featured in Toronto Bound with Lisa G, was sorely missed from the line-up in Toronto. Well, she was missed by me, anyway. I was soooo looking forward to seeing Gillian all ripped, oiled and tanned again. Still, at least she attended the show, hanging out with new and old friends, according to her Facebook.



Change of plan! Gillian announced on May 26th, explaining that she did not feel quite ready for the Toronto/Omaha shows... Nooooo!!! Such a disappointment for a boy.

But, thankfully, Gillian went on to add that a couple more weeks though and I'll be right on point for the Wings of Strength Chicago Pro on July 5th. Hurrah!!!

Whisper it, but July 5th is approaching fast...

Whisper, because after Gillian's change of plan, Omaha came and went and the woman formerly known as Shannon Courtney was nowhere to be seen. As we scanned the results for news of her placing only to find no mention of her whatsoever... That's when we began to wonder whether FMS should just keep quiet about who we couldn't wait to see on stage the following weekend. Lightning had struck twice. And it crossed our minds that perhaps we do need a bit of voodoo around here to clear the air.



Of course we are not actually going to sacrifice a goat. Of course the lovely Shannon (now Peters again) has been going through a tough time. A weekend getting back to her roots in the country, riding her beautiful beast, doing what she loves in what she calls her happy place surrounded by family was, she understandably felt, the best way to spend the Omaha weekend. And she really does look happy there, doesn't she?



Pleased to report Shannon is back. It was leg day yesterday. Her favourite.



Only joking about being cursed. Really, no goats were harmed. But we are most definitely going to think twice about who we start bigging up as the Chicago and Tampa Pro shows approach. You know, just in case lightning strikes for a third time...

Big big love and our very best wishes to both Gillian and Shannon. We miss you.

Ts of the Day: Toronto Bound

Like London buses, these days you have to wait forever for an IFBB pro female bodybuilding contest and then two come along at once. On the first weekend in June the brand new Omaha Pro will take place (Shannon Courtney fellas!) but before that, next weekend the big girls will be back at the Toronto Pro Show.

Two of the women who'll be pumping up in Toronto model today's Ts.

left: FMS fave Gillian Kovack posted this to her Facebook back at the end of March, calling it her "badder ass look". She has also revealed she's pretty pleased with "the roundness/shape my shoulders & overall frame is taking this year." Hard to disagree on this evidence. I am curious about whether there used to be a question mark under the WHAT, but the thought of seeing Gillian flexing on stage again all ripped and oiled somehow makes that seem, well, rather an unimportant issue right now.



right: Lisa Giesbrecht was a deserved winner in Toronto back in 2012, and consequently qualified for the Olympia, but she took a break from competing last year, so her return is another welcome one. Meanwhile, it seems Lisa has been gaining quite a reputation for her coaching techniques in her native British Columbia...

And if Gillian and Lisa don't whet your appetite for Toronto, other confirmed competitors as of May 21st were Nancy Clark, Roxanne Edwards, Aurelia Grozajova, Margie Martin, Britain's Wendy McCready, Tananarive McGowan, Joanne Williams, Melody Spetko, Alana Shipp, Sherri Gray, Christine Envall, Tonia Moore, Simone Oliveira and Virginia Sanchez. It's gonna be BIG!!! Just seven days to go...

Back Is Beautiful: Kovack's Back

Yesterday, I admitted I'd arrived a little late at the female muscle back party. I'd always thought of myself as an abs man, and, as a result, my favourite pose in competition was abdominals and thigh. I also said yesterday I'd come to appreciate the female bodybuilder's back so much more because of my own attempts to develop that part of my body, and the understanding it has given me of the physical and mental strength it takes to build such a back. But that's only partly the reason.

The rest I can sum up in two words: Gillian Kovack. Or, more accurately (and in a few more words) Gillian Kovack's back at the 2012 Toronto Pro.



Don't get me wrong, I must have seen hundreds, thousands of images of female bodybuilder's backs - from the old "Back Page" of the WPW magazines right up to the (not always very successfully taken) back selfies we see so many of today. Of course, I'd sometimes paused and marvelled at the backs I had seen. But watching Gillian's routine at that show turned out to be a kind of "Road to Damascus" moment for Old Swell.

Being an abs and thigh man, I’d always thought of the back poses as something I had to sit through before I got my favourite pose. The back double biceps and lat spread sort of got on my nerves as a result, and I would often find myself skipping them. I was always thinking, ‘Come on, let’s get to the abs'. But then in 2012 I was watching Gillian do the back poses in Toronto and it was like being struck by lightning.



And I wouldn't suggest for a moment that Gillian's back, magnificent as it was at that show, is the best or the biggest back I'd ever seen. Why it affected me to such an extent I can only guess. Gillian had been on the FMS radar for a while, and I already loved the way her sexy dark eyes would bore into the camera and the semi-smile on her face in these clips. Amused? Knowing. I loved that she'd put so much muscle on leading up to that show, and I loved that she'd gone from blond to brunette.

It was a kind of perfect storm. I was ready for Gillian to slay me. As I sat in front of the live feed (or perhaps I was watching a rerun, I can't be sure) it was, despite the quality of the field, Gillian's routine that I was anticipating most. And when it came, it was her back poses, firstly in a squat position, and then a final, joyous back double biceps with the full wind up, which left me, well, it left me a changed man.




And the good news dear readers is, Kovack (back and all) is going to be back real soon, at the Toronto Pro 2014, May 31st-June 1st. Sorry, I don't like to post progress pics, she says on her Facebook page, but I will be stepping on stage at my biggest & best yet. I, for one, will be watching with baited breath (and a dry mouth, no doubt).

How many weeks to go? Damn!

Get anticipated with Gillian's life-changing routine from 2012...



Enjoy!

C. Moore Glootz's Fun from Rear

Everybody got a favourites folder. C. Moore got his. You are now privy.



Ain't nowhere C. Moore's without his top butt babes. PC, tablet, AND phone. Babes like Monica. NOOD!!! On a MIRROR! And she's got that 'Oh C. Moore! I didn't expect you home so SOON!' look on her face.



Some fellas get anxious when their butt babes are 'unknown'. Who is she? Can anyone ID pleeease? blah blah blah. Like they're gonna find their emails or f***books or titters and get to know them or something. You cannot imagine the enormity of the f*** I do not actually give whether I KNOW butt babes names or whether I don't. Don't be asking me for names, addresses or star signs.



When C. Moore's lottery numbers come up there's gonna be a new gym in Rio. Hot butt females ONLY and C. Moore's in charge of whether you qualify or whether you don't. The interview looks something like this, with C. Moore off-camera doing something classed as obscene in most cultures. She here is DEFINITELY in.



C. Moore loves rear double biceps and glootz squeezed tight.



ÜBER GLOOTZ! Fanny and Gilly are two women who can make C. Moore miss his train and wake up dishevelled when the toilet attendant bangs on the door to say they are closing. Or make C. Moore realise he's spent more than twice the length of his scheduled lunch hour doing things company policy doesn't exactly FORBID, but frowns upon nonetheless. Hypnotic glootage 'par excellence'.



More post-lottery win activity with Dianne Solomons perfect glootz and perfect everything in FULL noodity, beckoning C. Moore to follow her into the waves. Grim reaper take note. If you want C. Moore to follow, THIS is how it's done.


Gentlemen, it has been a pleasure.

Thighs of the Day: Know Your Thighs

The quads, quadriceps, quadriceps extensor, or, to give it its full name, the quadriceps femoris is a muscle group - and a large one at that - that includes the four major muscles on the front of the thigh. Apparently, 'it is the great extensor muscle of the knee, forming a large fleshy mass which covers the front and sides of the femur'. In fact, quadriceps femoris means ‘four-headed muscle of the femur’ in Latin.

left: Rene Marven right: Kashma Maharaj

Kashma has already competed, taking the heavyweight class at the Arnold Amateur recently. Rene should, all being well, take her pro bow at the start of June at the Toronto Pro. So there's four four-headed muscles of the femur to watch in 2013.

The quads is, unsurprisingly, subdivided into four ‘heads’, each with its own name. And there are worse ways of getting to know the four heads than looking at pictures of female bodybuilders and their sexy, ripped thighs. It's certainly more fun than looking at anatomical diagrams, isn't it? Imagine you're a medical student. Which image would you recall more readily? Could female bodybuilders be a potential teaching aid?



left: Fabiola Boulanger right: Gillian Kovack

Considerably more interesting to look at than an anatomy book.

The rectus femoris occupies the middle of the thigh. The vastus lateralis is on the outer side of the femur, and the vastus medialis (can you guess?) is on the inner thigh. The vastus intermedius is the one muscle of the quads you are unlikely to see unless you are a surgeon, as it’s under the rectus femoris. Female bodybuilding judges are only really concerned with three of the four 'quads' then. Interesting...

left: Roberta Toth right: Anne Freitas

Even in their native Brazil, where most women's thighs seem to have impressive structure, muscularity and tone, Roberta and Anne's three visible heads are standouts. Coxas muito sensuais, as they say in Bahia. Probably.

All four of the quads are extensors of the knee, and come in handy if you want to walk, run, jump or squat. They can be trained by doing leg presses, squats, or, if you really want to isolate them, leg extensions are boss.

left: Lisa Giesbrecht right: Amy Sibcy

Just look at the vastus lateralises and the vastus medialises on them, he said.
To which I could only reply, And their rectus femorises ain't bad either.

More quadriceps femorises (femori? femorae? help!) tomorrow.

Enjoy!

Ts of the Day

Two of FMS' Women of the Year  model today's messages.

left: Tarna Alderman: Train Like a Man, Look Like a Goddess
If you are going to wear that on your gym vest, you'd better look good, and the lovely Tarna fits the bill effortlessly. It seems to me that this is quite a compliment to men, because there are probably few men who train as hard as someone like Tarna, and I've always heard that women do, in fact, have to train harder. Either way, Tarna is most definitely a goddess. A very gorgeous pumped-up sweaty goddess whose muscles are going to need a good massage. Anybody?

right: Gillian Kovack: Wanna Play... Your Gym or Mine?
There's enough heat coming off Ms Kovack and the poor vest she's attempting to turn into a dress to make even the most confident hombre think twice about approaching without safety goggles and flame-proof overalls. The last guy who said 'Yes' to this vest's question was carried out of his gym on a stretcher and weeks later is still recovering. Never made it past the warm-up set, Gillian tells us. Yikes!

Enjoy!

Saint Valentina: (Still) Muscle Loved Up

The UK edition of FHM listed Tulisa Contostavlos as this year’s ‘Sexiest Woman in the World’. Now, have a look at Tulisa below, and compare her to the nameless fire fighter on the right, who, as far as I know, didn’t make the FHM list at all, and what’s more still wouldn’t have made the list if FHM readers had known who she was.



Now remember, the vast majority of your peers, if given the choice, would be dreaming of a Valentine’s date with Tulisa. You, on the other hand, are thinking seriously about setting your house on fire right now. And so am I.

Let’s face it. We ain’t ‘normal’. If we were, our lives would be so much easier. As an example: Have you ever walked into a supermarket with women in it? Ever walked into a supermarket with a muscle woman in it? How about a bar? Same two questions.





Neither have I. And I don’t expect to start bumping into lots of them any time soon. So where are they all? I’ll tell you. They’re at Annie Riveccio’s house having their photos taken by her and James Cook (part of me hates the guy for having all the luck but you have to admire him for actually getting out there and doing the damn thing). If they are not with Annie and James, they are at the herbiceps.com ‘Muscle Mansion’ or in that car park that almost every woman on ftvideo.com has frequented at one time or another (where is that car park and what are the rates?) Or they’re in the gym. Or at home. On webcam. And that’s your money they’re taking.

For a female muscle fan who dreams of something more romantic than a money transaction, who’s not lucky enough to have found a hardcore female bodybuilder in their gym (and even then, she’s unlikely to be there to flirt with you between sets), and who’s not ‘in the industry’, the chances of meeting the woman of your dreams are next to nothing. There’s no FBBmatch.com, no FBBeharmony (as far as I know, if there is please tell me!). What are you going to do? Place a lonely hearts ad?

prof. solvent male, NS, GSOH, 30, seeks woman with broader shoulders than mine for fun, poss. relationship. Steroid-users/pro FBBs especially welcome

All in all, it’s highly unlikely that you spent Valentine’s with the woman of your female muscle dreams. Depressing? Maybe. But as the Rolling Stones remind us, you can’t always get what you want, and really, would you rather be like everyone else? Would you go back to your past and remove the experiences that led to you falling for female muscle? Do you really want to fancy the kind of women everybody else does? Do you really want to be ‘normal’?



Of course you don’t. And neither do I. I remain as muscle loved up as ever.

Hope you enjoyed Saint Valentina's week, and by the way, if any of you would actually like to try the lonely hearts ad, I’m sure we’d all be delighted to hear about it – especially if it works!