Saint Valentina: (Still) Muscle Loved Up

The UK edition of FHM listed Tulisa Contostavlos as this year’s ‘Sexiest Woman in the World’. Now, have a look at Tulisa below, and compare her to the nameless fire fighter on the right, who, as far as I know, didn’t make the FHM list at all, and what’s more still wouldn’t have made the list if FHM readers had known who she was.



Now remember, the vast majority of your peers, if given the choice, would be dreaming of a Valentine’s date with Tulisa. You, on the other hand, are thinking seriously about setting your house on fire right now. And so am I.

Let’s face it. We ain’t ‘normal’. If we were, our lives would be so much easier. As an example: Have you ever walked into a supermarket with women in it? Ever walked into a supermarket with a muscle woman in it? How about a bar? Same two questions.





Neither have I. And I don’t expect to start bumping into lots of them any time soon. So where are they all? I’ll tell you. They’re at Annie Riveccio’s house having their photos taken by her and James Cook (part of me hates the guy for having all the luck but you have to admire him for actually getting out there and doing the damn thing). If they are not with Annie and James, they are at the herbiceps.com ‘Muscle Mansion’ or in that car park that almost every woman on ftvideo.com has frequented at one time or another (where is that car park and what are the rates?) Or they’re in the gym. Or at home. On webcam. And that’s your money they’re taking.

For a female muscle fan who dreams of something more romantic than a money transaction, who’s not lucky enough to have found a hardcore female bodybuilder in their gym (and even then, she’s unlikely to be there to flirt with you between sets), and who’s not ‘in the industry’, the chances of meeting the woman of your dreams are next to nothing. There’s no FBBmatch.com, no FBBeharmony (as far as I know, if there is please tell me!). What are you going to do? Place a lonely hearts ad?

prof. solvent male, NS, GSOH, 30, seeks woman with broader shoulders than mine for fun, poss. relationship. Steroid-users/pro FBBs especially welcome

All in all, it’s highly unlikely that you spent Valentine’s with the woman of your female muscle dreams. Depressing? Maybe. But as the Rolling Stones remind us, you can’t always get what you want, and really, would you rather be like everyone else? Would you go back to your past and remove the experiences that led to you falling for female muscle? Do you really want to fancy the kind of women everybody else does? Do you really want to be ‘normal’?



Of course you don’t. And neither do I. I remain as muscle loved up as ever.

Hope you enjoyed Saint Valentina's week, and by the way, if any of you would actually like to try the lonely hearts ad, I’m sure we’d all be delighted to hear about it – especially if it works!