Real Iron Ladies

Personally, I've nothing against Hollywood making its own version of my country's history, but I can't have Maggie the Terrible held up as a symbol of strong British womanhood anymore. She shifted our national assets off to the highest bidders, made 'Trade Union' a dirty word, drove a stake through the heart of our public services, and once, I distinctly remember, after the Argentinian submarine Belgrano had been (illegally) sunk by the British Navy, turned to a live TV camera and ordered the country to 'rejoice'.

Couldn't stand the woman and she still makes my skin crawl. And I'm English. My advice to anyone who's not from the UK is to never, and I mean never, ask someone from Wales, Scotland or (God help you) Ireland what they think about Maggie. By the time they've finished answering your question there may be several people lying dead around you.

So I consider it nothing less than my patriotic duty to remind my non-British readers that there have been some real iron ladies from this country, and none of them look like a recently-emptied hoover bag with a wig on.

Queen Andrulla I

The first and so far only British woman to be crowned Miss Olympia, Andrulla is now on the banknotes. She doesn't actually hold any real power, her role is ceremonial, and she acts as a unifying symbol of Britishness. There was some controversy after her coronation, when she insisted on having her bicep, rather than her hand, kissed by those lucky enough to be presented to her, but we all soon got used to this new practice. I, for one, am very proud to have such a magnificent woman as my Queen. Long may she reign!

Bernie Price, Duchess of Westminster

The 1992 NABBA Miss Universe is rarely seen in public life these days, but she still holds a special place in the nation's heart. Particularly for men of a certain age (like yours truly) who can remember the Duchess in her prime.

Dame Paula Bircumshaw


Dame Paula, you may recall, was the victim of one of the greatest judging travesties in the history of a sport riddled with them. As Wikipedia reminds us, [at the 1992 Ms. International, won by Anja Schreiner] Bircumshaw was the same height as Schreiner and possessed a similar level of symmetry and definition, but carried significantly more muscle, weighing in at 162 pounds. She was the clear audience favorite, but was relegated to eighth place. Normally, the top ten contestants are called out at the end of the show when the winners are announced, but the judges only called back the top six, hoping to keep Bircumshaw back stage. This resulted in an uproar from the crowd. With the audience chanting her name, Bircumshaw returned to the stage along with the top six competitors. A national outcry ensued, and 'our Paula' was given a hero's welcome when she arrived back in the country, and her bravery in the face of adversity assured her of a special place in the hearts of the British people forever.

Dame Joanne McCartney

Minister of Legs in the late '80s and early '90s, Joanne was made a Dame for her services to skin tight clothing. More recently, she's been the go-to girl for successive political administrations when disagreements have arisen with the Russian government, being sent to Moscow to wrestle it out with the Tsar, Vladimir Putin, who is always keen for a grapple with her (and who can blame him). Joanne always gets her way once she has his head between her thighs. Keep working on those judo skills Vlad!

Joanne Lee

At the height of her power, Joanne was Minister for Justice, which she would personally dispense. There was very litle crime in those days, but the job took its toll on Joanne, and she briefly disappeared from public life before emerging in a newer, softer guise, and working her way back into the Cabinet, this time as Minister for Christmas.

Joanne Thomas, Duchess of Cornwall

They do things differently, the Cornish, so being represented by such a fine specimen of their magical county does them proud. Joanne was responsible for the reintroduction of the Cornish language in schools and signage there, and has spoken openly of her desire to have her birthplace become an independent state, with herself as the monarch. It's a popular move, and one that may well come to pass, but for now she still counts as a Brit, so I'm getting her in while I can.

Louise Rogers, British Ambassador in Washington

When they ask little British girls what they want to be when they grow up, 'Louise Rogers' is a popular answer. And who can blame them? Radiant, strong, and effortlessly cool, Louise is a paragon of modern British womanhood. The perfect choice for our representative in Washington, she was appointed only last year, just after she became a professional diplomat, but already she has several high-profile men on Capitol Hill eating out of the palm of her hand. Literally.

Prime Minister Rene Campbell

The current British champion and Prime Minister, Rene was a virtually unknown local politician a year ago. Her meteoric rise to power has been so unexpected that, inevitably, rumours of wrongdoing started to spread, but only until Rene got her hands on the journalist who started them. And her popularity soared after the last EU summit when she ripped up the Merkhozy plan, lifted up Mr Sarkhozy by the crotch with one arm, and popped Mrs Merkel in the mouth.

Rosanna Harte, Leader of the Opposition

Despite being considered a political lightweight by many, Rosanna was only narrowly defeated at the polls by Rene this year. Critics say her policies are flimsy, and she owes her popularity to her ravishing looks alone, but she has more than held her own in exchanges with Rene Campbell at Prime Minister's Question Time, even defeating the current PM in an armwrestle during a debate on education.

Lady Kizzy Vaines

Us British guys do like a bit of 'posh totty', and Lady Kizzy is our current number one poster girl, adorning the walls of mechanics' workshops up and down the land. When a film starring Kizzy, I Want Muscle, was released, queues the like of which are only normally seen at Wimbledon snaked around cinemas all over the country, even though it's only two minutes' long! DVD sales are expected to break all known records.

Lisa Cross, National Treasure

Lisa is loved and admired by all for her selfless dedication to the promotion of Britain around the world, and particularly for her recent work in the USA. Our current number one 'Iron Lady', 2012 looks like it will be another great year for her, and by association, Britain. Go Lisa!

Obviously, there are many many more UK Iron Ladies who there is not space to mention here. Apologies if I omitted your personal favourite, but I do hope the handful appearing here will serve as a counterpoint to the infamous Mrs T's image, and show the world what really makes me proud to be British!

Enjoy!