News that Piers ‘Morgan’ Moron (© Private Eye) thinks Madonna’s arms are too muscular is resolutely refusing to go away. Once a self-publicist, always a self-publicist, and re-locating to the USA (my condolences) hasn’t affected Piers’ ability to generate column inches for himself. Seeing as David Furnish had already put the boot in on Her Madgesty after the Golden Globes, Piers, couldn’t resist kicking a woman when she’s down, and getting himself all over the media just before a new series of his US talk show begins. Yawn.
Wait! I hear you cry. Aren’t you just adding to those column inches? Don’t do it! Walk away!
I hear you, but here in the UK we haven’t forgotten exactly why it is that Mr ‘Morgan’ Moron has gone stateside. The condensed version is that when he was the editor of the UK daily newspaper The Mirror, it was, according to one of the senior journalists who worked for him, ‘very unlikely’ that he did not know that phone hacking was used by representatives of his newspaper, and Piers said as much to the recent enquiry into the phone hacking scandal: Mr Morgan admitted he had listened to a tape recording of a voicemail message left by Sir Paul on his then wife’s mobile phone was how it was reported by The Daily Mail. So, someone played him a tape recording of a message left on Heather Mill’s voicemail, but he didn’t know that people who worked for his newspaper were hacking phones. Yeah, right. And this from the man who resigned because his paper had printed fake pictures of British soldiers abusing Iraqi prisoners, and I think you can see why Piers thought a trip West would be a good move.
You can’t trust what comes out of Piers. In some instances, the opposite of what he says is, in fact, the truth. So let’s assume that Piers wasn’t breaking the habit of a lifetime and that what he said about Madonna and her arms isn’t really what he thinks at all. He’s given us no reason to believe him before, why should we do it now?
And if Piers was lying, how does he really feel about Madonna, and her ‘caveman’ arms? The only reasonable conclusion is he thinks they’re hot. He doesn’t want her on his show because he knows he won’t be able to control himself. Minutes into the interview the urge to jump over his desk, grab Madge’s bicep and start slavering all over it will be too much. And then he’ll be finished in America too.
Since the Piers/Madonna story broke, Female Muscle Slave has been tirelessly hacking Mr ‘Morgan’ Moron’s phone and personal computer, and we can reveal, exclusively, that Piers is one of us. A female muscle addict. Some of the evidence is presented below. All the pictures were recovered from the ‘Morgan’ Moron phone or PC.
Heather Foster left a voicemail on Piers’ phone soon after the TV interview threatening to come over and punch him into next week if he mentioned any other woman’s arms again. Lisa Giesbrecht left a similarly angry message, promising Piers that he had licked cream off her biceps for the last time, while Betty Viana was so angry she had to resort to her native Spanish to express herself fully. The Female Muscle Slave translation team are still working on the English transcription of the message. So far, they have Now listen you hairless boy who licks fuck sticks… We imagine much of the rest of the message will be unprintable.
This picture of Kim Perez was recovered by our hacking team from a folder named ‘You’re So Vein’. Get it? His gift for language is stunning, isn’t it? Also in the folder was a document in which Piers laid out what he’d like to do to poor Kim’s vascular pythons. Needless to say, it wasn’t ‘ban them from television’.
This stunning pic of Aleesha Young was Piers’ most recent screensaver. No, really.
Skadi Frei actually sent this picture of herself to Piers after she heard his comments on a Swiss news channel. These are big arms you silly little man, her e-mail read. Now I dare you to come to my house in the Alps and call me a caveman to my face. Julie Bourassa was also in touch soon after the interview. I could crush your head like a grape, she said on his voicemail. And if you bag muscular women publicly again, I just might. Marja Lehtonen also called to say that Thursday at 2pm is fine. Piers hasn’t been seen since he boarded a flight from New York to Helsinki on Wednesday night.
A hacked e-mail exchange with Sarah Hayes further reveals Piers’ female muscle lovin’ tendencies. Mr ‘Morgan’ Moron begs Sarah for a muscle worship session, and when Sarah explains she doesn’t do sessions, Not for anyone, and especially not for you, there follows much undignified pleading from Piers.
Sarah finally threatens to forward the entire exchange to his wife in order to get him off her case, to which Piers replies, Do it! I’m leaving her for Fabiola Boulanger anyway! Now, a terrible liar and a bit of a pest he may be, but at least he’s got good taste (when it comes to muscle women anyway).
And finally, this image of the magnificent Brigita Brezovac looking particularly magnificent was one of the ones that came up when the hacking team searched his phone for ‘Most Recent Documents’. In fact, if our time calculations are correct, he must have banged one out to Brigita just after his interview finished, rushing to the studio toilet as soon as his mic was off. No, that’s unfair that last bit. That’s just something I made up. He probably waited until he got in the lift to do that. Or the limo. Or both.
Enjoy! And remember, when Piers says he’s repulsed by women with muscular arms, what he means is he loves them.
He probably reads this blog.
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