No Ifs Just Butts

British female bottoms are expanding, apparently. And not in a good, toned, muscular way. Millions of women are being afflicted by what has been dubbed 'desk derrière'.

A few weeks ago, the Daily Mail reported that researchers at Tel Aviv University had identified a ‘new’ phenomenon afflicting women who spend a large part of their days sitting down at their desks. The researchers had scanned the buttocks of inactive people and found muscle was shrinking and breaking down due to lack of exercise. Now that is news, isn’t it? Lack of exercise leads to shrinking muscle.

The research also showed that fat cells thrive in the buttocks of those who lead a sedentary lifestyle, causing thick layers of fat to develop deep inside muscle tissue. Well, I stand corrected. All this time I was thinking that all those flabby bottoms I see wobbling around in the street were the result of some hereditary condition, and it turns out that in fact it’s because of lack of exercise (and too many chips I dare say).

The article goes on to blind us with a bit of science then recommends some rather gentle exercises (from David Cameron’s personal trainer, no less – now there is an arse to aspire to) because the width of a bottom may be increased by sitting down. Seriously, that’s what Professor Amit Gefen’s findings are: the width of a bottom may be increased by sitting down.

Anyway, that’s enough sarcasm for one day, and really, we should probably be thanking Professor Gefen and his team, and the Daily Mail, because for all the hilarity this ‘scientific’ research and ‘journalism’ has caused here at FMS, it has also given us a cracking excuse to showcase some of our very own Professor Swell’s research into this area, and to illustrate our findings appropriately.




The most important factor in sculpting rears of the calibre shown above is, according to Prof. Swell’s findings, sustained effort and discipline over a period of years. In fact, the research found a strong correlation between the number of hours per week spent exercising the gluteal muscles, and their shape. Further research is needed, but the Professor was confident that soon he would have conclusive evidence that the more effort you put in, the greater the results.



Another interesting finding was that women who regularly exercise with weights were considerably more likely to feel confident about showing off their bodies either in the gym or putting them on public display. On the other hand, women who lead a sedentary, ‘frozen pizza and sofa lifestyle’ (the Prof’s term, not mine) admitted to hating looking at themselves in the mirror, and favoured baggy clothes in public in order to hide their bodies.



Professor Swell has also made the stunning discovery that regular exercise of the gluteal muscles actually makes them stronger. Women who train with weights regularly universally reported that they found that they were able to progressively increase the amount of weight used in each exercise, and that they were able to train more and more intensively. Cutting-edge stuff this, I’m sure you’ll agree.




And it wasn’t just the effect of exercise on the women’s bodies that Professor Swell investigated. He was also interested in the effect of those bodies on others, particularly on lovers of female muscle. Willing volunteers from the FMS office were shown images like the ones above while having their heart rates monitored. Professor Swell found that, within the sample anyway, the bigger and more defined the muscles were, the faster the heart rates.



In fact, the above picture of Helle Nielsen’s contest-ready rear had to be removed from the testing after more than a few of the FMS team’s heart rates jumped to alarming levels upon viewing it. It seems, says Swell, that there comes a point where the glutes are too striated for the female muscle lover to bear. Their imagination goes into a sort of overdrive, which causes an adrenaline rush that is hard for the average heart to handle. Too striated?! You wouldn’t have thought it were possible.




We sincerely thank Professor Swell and his team for their research into the area. If you would like to take part in any further testing, please send a resumé detailing your female-muscle-lovin’ credentials to us here at FMS, and we will be sure to pass it onto the team. Studies planned for the near future include research into the most attractive attire for a muscular rear, and a look at in which order female muscle lovers would like to address the bottoms of their favourite muscle women entitled Which comes first – the stroke or the bite?

There are many unanswered questions that remain, though.


For example, which on-stage squat is more attractive – hands on thighs…


… or perhaps with back double biceps?

And if you take a picture of your lover’s magnificent muscled backside
in the bathroom and post it on the internet, do you go blind?


Enjoy!