Friday, 2 March 2018

Mixed Messages

Britain's big and beautiful Christal Cornick welcomes you to a selection of muscle women being kind enough to give you something to pretend to read as you gawp.

And it also occurs to me that another advantage for the Madness-stricken, tongue-tied fan faced with a goddess with something on her top might be that it might make you less tongue-tied. At least you have something to respond to. Christal's "Come with me..." is delivered through Arnold, who these days would probably have to add "Unless you're a woman actually interested in developing muscles bigger than a Physique competitor", and the only reasonable response to her invitation would be, "OK".

The same response would be suitable in other situations too.


Some women really go for these printed tops/vests etc. Rachael Chaskey is definitely one of them. It's hardly news that someone like her is as interested in food as she is in weights, but I do like a good "I can [insert intimidating promise/threat]" message like the one Rachael has on the right. I'd like to think I wouldn't be timid. "I believe you could" sounds pathetic. "Go on then, prove it!" would be much more fun, and afterwards you could get your own T-shirt made - "Rachael can deadlift me".

Now most of these printed tops are fairly succinct, but what if there's A LOT of reading to do? Problems would include actually focusing on the text for long enough when you'd really rather be looking at bits of, for example, Paige, and how to read the whole message without looking like you're staring. By the time you got to the bottom of Phyllis Huang's warning, you'd have already committed the crime you're being warned against. Although I can think of worse fates than being womanhandled by her while trying to excuse my forwardness. "But I don't have my lenses in... Ouch!"

That's much better. Jacquelyn Hickerson and Alexis Ewers give you both barrels, and there's no need to ask what day it is or why they are doing what they're doing. Brief and informative. Side note: I'm impressed by the way Alexis manages to stand next to Jacquelyn and not be completely overshadowed. I've not seen many women do that.


"Meow" indeed. And I reckon there's not much else you could say in reply. Being a cat owner, I do have a pretty convincing "meow", although on second thoughts, I'd be sorely tempted to use my equally convincing solicitation purr instead, to Tamara Ring (ding ding) and the lovely Jamie. Especially to the lovely Jamie. PURRRR!

If you're going to look like this (ID anyone? - I'd be grateful), then you might as well be brazen as f***. I'd like to think I'd be cool, hold it together, come up with something witty and a perhaps little flirty. Something that would let her know I'm impressed, but not intimidated. If I'm honest though, I'd doubt I'd be capable of much more than a whimpering noise as my head spins, my legs buckle, and I fall at her feet.

Melissa really doesn't have to point. I'm sure she gets plenty of offers. The lady on the left - sweet_joly on Instagram - however, has probably had more offers than she wants. Hence the no nonsense approach. She's a heart-breaker, but then again, aren't they all?


The more I see of Jessica Martin (and her wardrobe) the more I like her.

Who wouldn't want to lick every bit of sparkle off her? (Sorry, Jessica).

My donuts are sprinkled by sweaty muscle goddesses with an upper body I want to build my world around, fabric-threatening quad size and definition I can see through said fabric, so marry me Jessica. That's what it's going to say on my T-shirt.

Now these two, it seems to me, really are dangerous. Not so much for the ladies, who I'm sure can handle themselves very adequately, but for the female muscle lovers at their gyms. Struck down by The Madness, their higher brain functions disabled, how many have believed these messages were frank and truly meant for them? They say: And the next thing I remember was the manager saying, "Sir, please leave".

And we finish with the top they should all have. Modelled by Corinne Meehan.


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